Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
