Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize