im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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