why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
