I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
