my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
