I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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