god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
