my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
