in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize