I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
