I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
then he tried to convert me to islam
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
