so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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