morning after pill = breakfast in bed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
