i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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