Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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