chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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