Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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