I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
