dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
