Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
