so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
