so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Let's paint friendship bongs
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
