True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
