Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we should paint friendship bongs
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
