I accidentally burped into my bong.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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