My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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