got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
