ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize