Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
