Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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