"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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