I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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