if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
