I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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