so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
