Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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