dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
