Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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