Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
