Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
