I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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