My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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