So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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