maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
