i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
