Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize