I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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