forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
