I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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