Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
