I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
