I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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