I wish my penis had an off switch
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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