If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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