Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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