I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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