I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh god it's open bar.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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